Finding Your Calm During Family Gatherings
Do you feel a wave of dread at the mere thought of the next family gathering? Maybe a tightness in your chest or a sinking feeling in your stomach? Are you already bracing for yet another one-sided conversation about how the world is going downhill? If so, you’re not alone—and this post is for you.
Family can be a deep source of strength, connection, and identity. Our roots often shape our values, beliefs, and even our emotional resilience. However, not all family experiences feel enriching. Some interactions leave us feeling depleted rather than supported. You may find that when you’re thriving, certain family members are quick to remind you of your past missteps. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers a framework that can help you navigate these difficult family dynamics with intention and confidence. Interpersonal effectiveness—a core DBT skill—focuses on managing relationships in a way that respects both your needs and those of others. To move forward and regain control over how you engage with your family, here are five crucial questions to ask yourself:
1. What Do You Want to Prioritize?
Before entering any challenging interaction, it helps to clarify what matters most to you in that moment. As a starting point, are you looking for a peaceful visit, or do you want to express a specific concern to a specific person? Are you wanting your parent to stop asking why you don’t want to have kids? Or is it more important for you that your uncle stops using derogatory names toward specific groups of people? Understanding your priority allows you to approach the situation with purpose instead of reacting impulsively to everything. Addressing one priority doesn’t mean the others aren’t important—it simply means you’re planning to address it at that gathering, and it’s okay if your priority changes next time.
2. What Is Your Specific Objective?
A vague hope that things will “just go better this time” isn’t a strong strategy. Instead, set a clear intention. Do you want to establish a firm boundary? Do you want to communicate a specific need? Or is your goal to protect your peace by limiting engagement with certain conversations? Knowing your objective gives you a sense of agency. For example, if you decide your goal is to disengage from political debates, you can prepare a few neutral phrases to pivot the conversation, such as “I’d rather focus on catching up with everyone” or “I hear you, but I’d like to keep today light.” This allows you to feel more in control rather than being pulled into every conflict.
3. How Important Is the Relationship?
Not all relationships hold the same weight. Some family members are integral parts of your life, while others may have a more peripheral role. For example, does it make sense to be upset by Auntie Ashley’s comment about your weight? Yes!!! Is it important to then spend the rest of the family gathering trying to discuss the significance of the comment, despite her not getting it, and you won’t see her or talk to her again until the next gathering in a year? How close are the two of you? If it is important, I say go for it, but it may come at the cost of you missing out on connecting with others who love and value you, and the ripple effects of the emotional storm long after you both return to your respective homes. Considering how much the relationship means to you can help you decide how much effort you want to invest in maintaining or improving it.
4. What Does Self-Respect Look Like for You?
It’s easy to lose yourself in emotionally charged family dynamics. Ask yourself: What boundaries do I need to uphold to feel good about myself afterward? What kind of behavior will I not tolerate? Self-respect might mean calmly walking away from a conversation that becomes toxic rather than engaging in an argument. It might mean politely but firmly stating, “I’m not comfortable discussing that,” when someone pries into your personal life. The goal is to leave the gathering feeling proud of how you handled yourself rather than regretting being pulled into old patterns. Ensuring that you protect your self-respect is just as important as preserving the relationship.
5. Are You Engaging in Either-Or Thinking?
Family tensions can trigger black-and-white thinking—believing that you must either endure the dysfunction or cut ties completely. But there’s often a middle path. DBT encourages dialectical thinking, which means holding space for multiple truths. You can love your family and also limit your exposure to unhealthy interactions. You can seek connection while also setting firm boundaries. Recognizing that there is a middle ground allows you to make decisions that honor both your needs and your relationships. Perhaps that means leaving the gathering earlier, choosing to engage only in group conversations, or scheduling one-on-one time with family members who uplift you.
A Helpful Metaphor: Never Uproot in a Storm
Imagine a tree battered by a storm. In the moment, it may feel like the best option is to break away entirely. But impulsive decisions made in emotional storms can sometimes lead to regret. Instead, let the storm pass. Make decisions when you’re grounded, not in the heat of the moment.
By asking yourself these five questions, you create a strategy that fosters emotional resilience and intentional interactions. Family gatherings may never be perfect, but with these tools, you can show up in a way that aligns with your values and well-being.
What strategies have helped you navigate difficult family dynamics? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
